The No. 1 most critical thing that keeps us happier and healthier—and 3 ‘surprisingly simple' ways to get started, from a psychologist

When I'm sitting with a stressed-out patient in my office and I raise the importance of healthy relationships, they almost always intellectually understand. Of course they do! They're brilliant! And they want to please me. They nod and smile. 

In reality, though, creating and maintaining healthy connections can be challenging. It takes time, energy, and work.

But it's critical, because healthy relationships help people thrive. They increase feelings of well-being and decrease anxiety. Research shows that social support — the term psychologists like me use to describe encouragement from individuals, groups, and community — is critical for both mental and physical health as well as resilience to stress. 

As Robert Waldinger, director of the decades-long Harvard Study of Adult Development, has explained: "The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."

Here are three surprisingly simple and actionable strategies you can use to lift loneliness, make connections, and start to foster healthy relationships, all of which can be easily implemented even in your busy daily life.

1. Create micro-moments of connection

When we're lonely, we don't always believe we can connect and may have a heightened fear of rejection, so it's usually best to begin with baby steps. 

You can ease your way in through what psychologist Barbara Fredrickson calls "micro-moments" of "positivity resonance." These are instances of fondness that happen "anytime two or more people — even strangers — connect over a shared positive emotion, be it mild or strong."

For example:

• Greeting colleagues with a smile and a "Good morning" 
• Having a two-minute conversation with a co-worker who shares your love of soccer
• Making eye contact and smiling as you walk past someone on the street 
• Complimenting a stranger on their adorable puppy

In this post-COVID world, a lot of my clients no longer go into the office every day. In terms of manifesting these moments, though, an in-person appearance even once a week can make a world of difference.

These instances of warmth can foster a stronger sense of belonging. At work, that ultimately can also help you establish alliances, which raises your stock for possible promotions and important projects. 

2. Encourage others

There's a phrase in Chinese — Jiāyóu 加油 — that means "add oil." It's what you say to cheer someone on. I've loved this concept since the first time I heard it. 

Although it's hard to translate precisely into English, it's used as an expression of solidarity, a spirited show of encouragement and confidence in another's abilities — often accompanied with a fist pump. There's something quite beautiful about this image of adding fuel to someone's fire, especially in moments of adversity.

My version of it? "You got this!" 

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While slogging through your last uphill marathon mile or during an exceptionally difficult day at work, what's better than someone rooting for you, commiserating, and reminding you you're not alone? 

Giving a heartfelt "You got this!" to a friend, a colleague, or even a passing acquaintance feels good. Truly, one of the quickest ways to decrease your anxiety is to focus on helping others through their trials, tests, and tough times in life, with encouraging words and actions. It will energize you both. 

3. Offer your help

Volunteering to assist others in practical ways can be beneficial to everyone involved. Dr. Larry Dossey describes a powerful phenomenon called the "helper's high" or "a feeling, following selfless service to others, of elation, exhilaration, and increased energy, then a period of calm and serenity … said to be similar to that following intense physical exercise."

Engaging in even the smallest acts of kindness can enhance your own mental and physical well-being — lowering stress levels, increasing self-esteem, heightening happiness and satisfaction, lowering blood pressure, and even increasing longevity. 

Think quality over quantity. But keep these actions doable and realistic. Small acts that I call "Everyday Energizers," for example, take only a minute but provide you with a burst of feel-good energy. 

You could open the door for the person behind you, hold the elevator for someone rushing to get in, or just remember to say please or thank you in daily interactions. If you have more time to invest, you could tutor people at your local library, help at an animal shelter, assist someone who's moving with their packing or unloading, or participate in a charity walk or run. You might even meet like-minded people.

Play to your strengths. Put your talents, unique skills, and expertise to work to help others. Just make sure you're being mindful of your limited time and energy, so you don't burn out in the process. 

Mary E. Anderson, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and sought-after speaker with over a decade of experience helping patients become happier, healthier, and sustainably high-achieving. Dr. Anderson earned her PhD in clinical psychology, with a specialty in health psychology, from the University of Florida and completed her internship and post-doctoral fellowship at the VA Boston Healthcare System, with appointments at Harvard Medical School and Boston University School of Medicine. She is the author of "The Happy High Achiever."

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Excerpt adapted from "The Happy High Achiever: 8 Essentials to Overcome Anxiety, Manage Stress, and Energize Yourself for Success—Without Losing Your Edge" by Mary E. Anderson, PhD. Copyright © 2024. Reprinted with permission of Balance, an imprint of Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.